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Maryam Hassan / Staff Photographer

College football season has come and gone at Columbia, much to the disappointment of the three fans who attended more than one game.

But guess what, guys? We won THREE TIMES this year. That’s right, THREE. We have won more games this past season than in the three seasons before that, combined. If you think this sounds horrible, think again!

We no longer have the worst team in the Ivy League! That honor now goes to Dartmouth, which also holds last place in the Official Spectrum Cool Names for Things Rankings™. (Dartmouth Big Green. Keggy the Keg? What the hell?) The football team’s recent success may make you wonder how it ranks compared to Columbia’s 30 other varsity teams. Luckily for you, Spectrum’s sports junkies tackled (pun intended, I’m so sorry) such a challenge.

The “holy shit we’re good” tier

Teams: fencing, men’s lightweight rowing, men’s soccer

Columbia’s rowing team currently boasts a national title, only to be outshined by the fencing team’s national title REPEAT. The men’s soccer team tied for the Ivy League championship this past season. These teams are shining stars, and I bet you haven’t seen a single one of their competitions ever. You should feel bad. Maybe you’ll learn from your mistakes and support our players next season.

The “worth mentioning over winter break” tier

Teams: baseball, men’s basketball, men’s cross country, men’s heavyweight rowing, men’s squash, men’s tennis, women’s golf, women’s soccer, women’s squash, women’s tennis, volleyball

Wow, look at all these above average teams! (But you know what they say: Above average wins the race.) Some of them, such as baseball, have had disappointing seasons record-wise after a recent history of success. Others (like volleyball and squash) greatly improved their records in their past season compared to prior years. Either way, these teams are pretty good and they’ll be a lively form of entertainment while we wait for football to resume.

The “alright, we’ll take it” tier

Teams: men’s golf, wrestling, women’s cross country, field hockey, women’s rowing

While these aren’t the best teams the university has to offer, each squad still has its shining moments and redeeming qualities. For instance, field hockey player Katie Ruesterholz, CC ’17 set a program record for most career points scored, and we sent three wrestlers to the NCAA Championships.

Besides, at the end of the day, isn’t playing a sport just about having fun? (No. The answer is no. Sports are about winning and Darwinistic competition.)

The “hey, we still exist” tier

Teams: football, women’s basketball, lacrosse, softball

While their win-loss records may be lackluster, they probably still have more school spirit (and muscles) than you. So sure, we might make jokes about them, but any one of these players could beat you up. Shoutout to All-Ivy womasketballers Camille Zimmerman, CC ’18 and Tori Oliver, CC ’17.

The “I have no idea how to quantify these teams” tier

Teams: archery, swimming and diving, track and field

This is the most confusing tier, because nobody really knows how they measure success for these sports. How high an athlete clears the hurdle or how pretty they dive? I mean, our archery team is badass as hell and wins pretty much everything (ikr,) and diver Jayden Pantel, CC ’18 is undefeated in every single match he’s competed in, but HOW DOES THE POINTS SYSTEM WORK?

While we may not be national champions for every sport, there is a silver lining: Every single athlete at our school is more talented in their sport than I am at literally anything.

Miles Greenspoon is a Spectrum staff writer and a GS/JTS junior. The first time he tried to go to Dodge, he walked to the music building instead of the gym. Reach him at or @mileshasjokes.

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