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Remember that Henry Moore Reclining Figure sculpture that was supposed to nestle outside of Butler? Remember how everyone threw shade at it? Have you noticed that there is no such sculpture outside of Butler? Are you tired of rhetorical questions?

In case you were unaware, PrezBo recently announced the statue will permanently situate itself outside of Havemeyer. While this isn’t the ideal location (which is far, far away from campus), at least we can plan our routes around campus so we don’t have to see it.

All of this backlash against Moore’s sculpture has provoked the question: What should we think about the other sculptures lingering around campus? To speak about these Columbia landmarks in the most eloquent manner possible, I showed off my two greatest skills: bullshitting Art Hum explanations and writing down things I say while drunk. Without further ado, here are reviews of Columbia’s sculptures.

The Scholar's Lion

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Art Hum Miles: Perhaps this is Roaree himself: The majestic creature that represents Columbia and its students. The lion is awake, moving, searching for something; its mouth is open as it bares its teeth, potentially ready to eat. The lion is fierce, ready to pounce at any moment.

Drunk Miles: Yo, I hate cats, but I kinda wanna climb it. Roar, lion, roar!! (I’m really sorry world, I don’t know the rest of the song.) Also, its balls are HUUUUGE.

Curl

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Art Hum Miles: It is impossible to determine which side is the beginning and which side is the end, which seems deliberate. The curvature clashes with the typical notion of how sculptures should be viewed.

Drunk Miles: I DON’T UNDERSTAND. IT’S JUST A FUCKING PUBE, MAN.

Editor’s Note: A sober office consensus has been reached that the curl is indeed a pube.

Three-Way Piece: Points

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Art Hum Miles: An abstract sculpture with numerous bulges, this piece emphasizes the necessity of mobility to view it at different angles. With a constantly changing backdrop, this three-dimensional sculpture remains always in center stage.

Drunk Miles: OK first of all, I’m like 82 percent positive it’s a tooth. Also I spun this around between leaving EC and going to Tom’s and it was so much fun everyone needs to do it.

The Thinker

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Art Hum Miles: The Thinker, quite appropriately, is placed outside of Philosophy Hall. It represents the paramount goal of all students: lost in thought, pondering either the state of the world or the state of oneself. This is an original Rodin, a true gem on campus.

Drunk Miles: I have so many questions. Why are you so sad? What are you doing on a tree stump? Isn’t your hand uncomfortable? How did you get that swole?

Hamilton

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Art Hum Miles: With his fist over his beating heart and his left hand clutching a scroll, the resolve of this Founding Father solidifies his historic place at such a historic school.

Drunk Miles: ALEXANDER HAMILTON. MY NAME IS ALEXANDER HAMILTON. THERE’S A MILLION THINGS I HAVEN’T DONE. JUST YOU WAIT, JUST YOU WAAAAAAIT.

Alma Mater

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Art Hum Miles: Powerful yet ethereal, Athena graces us with her presence in her throne that watches over Columbia. All-seeing and forever wise, Athena’s arms are spread open to welcome us into her home.

Drunk Miles: Alma so fucking dope. I love her so much, I just want everyone to respect her as much as I do. I want Alma to be my mom because she takes care of me and is always there for me when I need her.

While these tips may be helpful, remember that they are completely mutually exclusive. Please don’t go to Art Hum drunk. It doesn’t end well. Trust me.

Do you have drunk or sober opinions on any of the sculptures around campus? Comment down below, Tweet us, or Snapchat us @CUSpectrum to share your thoughts.

Miles Greenspoon is a Spectrum staff writer and GS/JTS junior. He is still surprised that he passed Art Hum, and has taken the phrase “write drunk, edit sober” quite literally for this article. Reach him at miles.greenspoon@columbiaspectator.com or @mileshasjokes.

All photos courtesy of (sober) Miles Greenspoon.

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