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Sports. A magical section of Spec brimming with feel-good stories like that one about Harvard’s men’s soccer team, or that other one about our wrestling team’s seniors.

We love a good sports exposé. However, sometimes (sorry, Sports), we sports plebs have no idea what’s going on in your pieces.

If you’ve ever clicked on a Sports article in the hopes of learning more about rowing or volleyball (or any other activity with a stick or sphere), you likely gave it a skim and left baffled. You’re not alone. We’re here to translate this week’s headlines for the unathletic reader. On your marks, get set, go.

Round 1: WTF does this title mean?

“Falls in road clash” sounds like the team had a motor vehicle accident en route to the game, triggered by the ball falling onto the road and halting traffic. To add insult to injury, St. Joe’s sounds like a religious figure, not a school, and is St. Joseph’s even cool with that nickname? Anyways, we’ll let that slide.

Fun fact, “falls in road clash” is just a mystical way to say we got badly beat. I guess we just couldn’t say outright that we’re losers.

Round 2: Apparently forks and knives are prizes

In golfy news, “Columbia took home silverware at the Princeton Invitational and Yale Intercollegiate” tournament last weekend.

To our ears, this means that we won some sporks for our athletic abilities.

Yes, yes, we’re being facetious. We know they brought home cups (and not the kitchen kind), but using the word “silverware” in lieu of “trophy” is def going to raise a brow or two.

Round 3: Sports likes to write out dramatic skits

We see your scripted (though impressively analytical) love affair, Dan and Dylan. (Proposal for ship name: “Danlan.”) We see you bromantically supporting each other (“Dan: I’m with you, Dylan”).

Unbeknownst to the average reader, Sports actually publishes dramatically charged excerpts from athletes’ diaries. One small critique, however, Danlan, before you submit your script to NOMADS: Establish more of a setting. Let’s see a climax in this scene and more character development: If you’re going to go all-in with experimental drama, go for it. We’ll be there opening night.

Anyway, theatrical dialog aside, let’s also remember Dylan’s line, “Rawlings continually hit his receivers on short curls.”

Turns out this is a curl. Cheers, Googz.

But seriously, just say “route,” because right now it really sounds like Rawlings was bashing up opponents’ hairdos on the field.

Round 4: Sports suddenly getting hella #deep

What a big middle finger this piece is to those who say sportsy folk are too jockish to get poetical. Look at this line. You can feel the magic: “Almost poetically, the sky parted just in time for kickoff for a match born out of scandal.”

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Turns out this literally means “the sun came out lol,” but when you’ve got Smooth Brad on the case, he’s going to spin a poem for you. Artful.

Round 5: Oh, now Sports decides to tell it like it is

We’ve seen Sports misname things (read: “silverware”), misconstrue events (read: “falls in road clash”), and get very flowery with descriptions of the weather (hey, Brad). But there are rare moments where Sports will bluntly tell it how it is, even when it was the optimum time to beat about the bush.

Mainly we just feel bad for Jared after this line: “There’s no other way to say it––senior cornerback Jared Katz was flat-out bad on Saturday.”

Damn, Sports. Tell us how you really feel.

All in all, we hope you get Sports to a greater extent now. They write cool stuff, and you may actually understand some of it. Amazing!

Spotted any other nonsensical things in Sports articles? Link ’em down below so we can all poke fun at them (then learn from them because learning is important).

Sophia Hotung is Spectrum’s editor and a Barnard junior. Her first article for Spec that gained critical acclaim was a review of a fencing tournament as a clueless spectator (lol unintentional pun). Reach her at sophia.hotung@columbiaspectator.com.

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