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Dear Facebook,

I’m writing to you because, well, you’ve recently come out with yet another unwanted update. Why do you think it’s necessary to react to people’s photos and statuses now? I think you just want to stir up some drama with all of the new emoticons. And now I have to worry about likes versus loves! Ah, how you complicate my life so. 

via meladoodle / Tumblr

And don’t you think I forgot about all of the other useless features you acquired in some desperate attempt to stay “hip” and “cool.”

Exhibit A: When you decided that it would be a good idea for people to link their bank accounts to you and transfer money via chat. First of all, I don’t have any money to give. Second, even if I did, why would I want to send it via Facebook? (But if you’re tryna send me $$$, by all means do.)

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Exhibit B: What is a 360 Video?

How am I supposed to know what I’m supposed to be watching?

Which angle should I be viewing from? What if I miss the important part?

Or is there no important part?

Is a 360 Video’s only purpose to be a 360 Video?

To catch our attention with a new gimmick that seems fun, but actually serves no purpose? These questions may seem rhetorical, but can you please answer them for me?

You keep trying to make these things happen, but every time I’m just left like...

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You don’t need all of these superfluous features to keep my attention. It’s sort of like the equivalent of trying to make fetch happen – and fetch is not going to happen.

Why are you trying so hard? I’ll still use you to stalk attractive people, laugh at people from my hometown’s ridiculous statuses and shared articles, and procrastinate all of my homework with you. Nothing will change that.



open letter facebook
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