If I didn’t forbid myself from submitting to Columbia Admirers, this is the message I would send their way:
Dear student-run Facebook account “facilitating” student interaction,
I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s been a while since we last interacted, but no matter what I do, I just can’t shake you. It’s not that I hate you; it’s that I know you’re no good for me. The bittersweet passage of time has helped me to realize that you’re not what I thought you were. But despite my efforts to pull away, my fate appears to be irrevocably entwined with yours. It hurts to see you all over my newsfeed. After much consideration, I’ve decided that the only way to go about mending these wounds is to remove your presence from my life entirely. As ‘real’ as it has been to have you by my side day and night for these few glorious months, the time has come for us to part ways.
Thanks for the memories,
A disgruntled undergraduate
I will admit that I’m rather proud of this meticulously crafted love note. After all, it contains most of the elements of any high-quality message published by the facilitators of the staggeringly popular account: it is written anonymously and to an unidentified individual or group recipient, it is teeming with general clichés about the wonders of love (or in this case, the perils of heartbreak), and it is very, very annoying.
