In a new feature, we will occasionally be running stories in the 1:11 from an alternate, but in many ways more accurate, version of Columbia University.
In a stunning twist of events, Barnard President Debora Spar has decided to shut down the college rather than seek to cut 8 million from the famed institution's budget.
"Once we thought about it, it made a lot sense," Spar said. "Why would you cut 8 million from the budget when you can just remove the need for a budget entirely? I think this is the kind of innovative thinking independent institutions like ours can bring to the table. Or used to be able to bring to the table since we're obviously closed now."
However, much to the relief of many students, the Barnard pool will remain open. Barnard Student Government Association president Brenda Johnson explained that the student government and Spar had gradually realized that having a girls-only place to swim was far more important to students than the college itself.
