In a new feature, every Monday we will be running stories in the 1:11 from an alternate version of Columbia University. To avoid confusion, our editors have asked us to remind you that this post is satire: Coach Mangurian has NOT actually vowed to lose every game.
While the complete futility of Columbia football this season had surprised some who expected a new coach to come with measurable improvement, one person believes things are going exactly according to plan: Coach Pete Mangurian.
“When I took the job, I promised to do one thing and one thing only,” declared Mangurian at a fiery pep rally after last Saturday’s 24-20 loss to Penn, “and that’s to completely reverse last year’s catastrophic season where we only won our final game. That’s why this year, we’re only going to win our opener!”
The crowd then erupted into cheers of “1 and 9” as Mangurian symbolically fumbled a football and threw an incomplete pass to Roar-ee the Lion before marching his team to the locker room.
