First Repeat PixBox Winner Savors Success

This is not déjà vu. For those of you who read Spectator Sports on a regular basis, all six of you—not including athletes, parents of athletes, writers, and parents of writers—know that PixBox is where columnists pick eight games each week for both football and basketball seasons. You also would have seen my picture during the victory column for PixBox football. Not to worry. This column isn’t an error but rather the first back-to-back or even multiple-time winner for PixBox. I also wanted to note that the last three “contests” I’ve done with Spec writers and columnists, fantasy baseball last year and both PixBoxes this year, have resulted in a very similar fashion: I win.

Before I go on to the semi-ridiculous tradition of trashing the other columnists about stuff that nobody else—except for the 12 of us, Spec Sports writers, and a few other friends—understands, I wanted to thank two people for making this basketball season and Spec manageable for the past two years: Josh Robinson and, particularly, Jon Kamran. You guys made this season great, and I wanted to thank you for instilling some journalistic integrity and savvy into my head. I also wanted to thank you for helping me become a better writer and making the best decision of my life: NOT BEING SPORTS EDITORS. I hope that I can do the same with my new beat writers next year.

Okay, no more sentimental bullshit. Here comes the annual tradition of bashing the rest of you guys, but with an added twist—everybody’s odds of dethroning me next year. I will, as I did in the winter, start with the bottom feeders first.

Kamran (odds: 100,000,000,000,042-1): First, I have never seen anybody more afraid of a certain somebody than you were in Boston. I definitely saw you squirt a few tears and tremble a little bit on the car ride home. When am I going to finally see your 85-mph fastball? I’m still waiting. Oh, and I just spoke to Andy Wizenberg. He told me that you needed to get in that famous three-point stance during spring practice. Just a thought.

Mike (odds: 508,888,999,014,144-1): Since you’re not in America or really a part of Spec Sports—as I have seen you maybe twice in the office—this is all you get.

JTay (odds: 25-1): I like how you tried to utilize my strategy and use your girlfriend to make your picks for you in the final week. We know how that ended up for you. Also, tell Lora “hi” via Web chat in approximately two minutes after reading this.

Jelani (odds: 25-1): I have to knock the hustle again. You announce for Columbia basketball, yet you came in behind people who could not name one player on Cornell?
Charles (odds: 25-1): Where have you gone? Has SEAS kept you hidden for the past couple of years? I don’t think I’ve seen you since meeting your dad in Princeton, which I will always remember.

Velazquez (odds: 20-1): Velazquez, good luck working with Bobbie this summer and with Kavitha for the next year. If needed, a bottle of Jack awaits you. And, also how many fucking Velazquezes go to Columbia? Are they all related to you?

Kartik (odds: 750,000,000,000-1): You were probably too busy to take this PixBox thing seriously at any point during your four years here. It’ll be worth it when you create a formula to predict every game with 100% accuracy.

Lisa (odds: 30-1): I still can’t believe you got Loscalzo sick during the Yale game. I knew you were a jersey chaser, but enough to ruin the Columbia season? Also, I’m never allowing you to edit one of my articles after your power-tripping ass altered my original PixBox column. Consider this payback.

Jonathan Garrett August (odds: 123,456,789,987,654,321-1): Auggie, you got off very easily last time, so I’m going to be a bit harsher this time. At least I could get a girl to come on a romantic vacation with me. Have fun in Paris. And finally, I’m very excited to go to Vegas with for your birthday. You’ll get one fantastic gift: an STD-free stripper.

Taylor Harwin (750,000,000,000-1): There is honestly nothing mean I can think of. Absolutely nothing.

Josh (100,000,000,000,042-1): Josh, an impressive showing. I do think we should have docked you about six games for “insider trading,” but I guess that shows how knowledgeable the AP is. Also, maybe next year in the “Majors” they’ll have a PixBox. And you’ll revert back to where you British ass belongs: in LAST.

Muhammad Ali once said, “I figure I’ll be champ for about ten years and then I’ll let my brother take over—like the Kennedys down in Washington.” For PixBox’s sake, you should be glad I don’t have a younger brother.