Stephen Colbert, the Comedy Central icon, took a break from “trying to get totally cut” this weekend to speak to college journalists about his upcoming March to Keep Fear Alive.
“I’m gonna try to be in a unitard for most of the rally. Beefcakes keep people in their seats,” he said, promising participants a look at more than just great satire in the making at his rally in Washington, D.C., on Oct. 30.
Colbert, who stayed in character as a bombastic right-wing pundit for most of the phone interview, said he was concerned that the “moderates” participating in Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity, which is taking place on the same day in the same location, might get out of line.
“They might go sane with power. I’m certainly bringing guards. I might bring the Hell’s Angels—it’s worked before,” he said, encouraging fellow fearmongers to bring security.
Columbia students have the opportunity to participate in both rallies through the CU Rally Bus, which is shipping interested students to D.C. the day of the dueling marches.
Colbert, who said that the conference call was his first time speaking to the media about the rally, added that he is baffled by the intent of Stewart’s rally.
“I just don’t think it’s possible to get excited about moderate behavior. It’s a paradox I don’t understand. What are you gonna get, extremely moderate?” he asked with an air of disgust.
Instead, he encouraged students to dress up as something frightening.
When asked what he fears the most in the world, Colbert answered that obviously he fears gay immigrant bears.
“Canadians would be the short way of saying that,” he said, demonstrating his character’s deep-seated xenophobia, self-hating homophobia, and hatred of bears.
But Colbert told a student journalist from New York University that college students ought to live in fear of the imminent future.
“Graduating in this economic market would be the biggest thing I’d be afraid of right now. I’d slow that coursework down. Stretch those credits out,” he said, perhaps somewhat seriously.
Colbert asked students in the area to organize “caravans” to transport people to the National Mall and asked students living in the nation’s capital to let their friends crash over Halloween weekend.
“And they might actually stay afterwards and eat all your food and drink all your beer, and that would be terrifying,” he said, adding that students should keep the fear going by holding “fear parties” later that night.
The March to Keep Fear Alive is primarily motivated by Colbert’s character’s fierce rivalry with the host of “The Daily Show,” his former boss and the most famous satirical news anchor in the world.
Colbert said that even if college students tend to be more liberal, they ought to come to his rally instead.
“Going to Jon Stewart’s rally is just like staying on campus and hanging out in the quad, chatting with other liberals. College is supposed to be about new experiences, so come to my rally and seek new experiences,” he said, later adding that he will only know his rally is a success if Stewart admits he is “terrified.”
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