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The Lerner Architecture program will require students to master the art of counter-intuitive design.

Columbia University will begin accepting applications next week for its new Alfred Lerner Honors Architecture M.A. program. Prospective applicants should be aware that the courses will “be nothing like anything students have ever seen, or ever wanted, before,” according to the new program’s website.

Unlike Columbia University’s already existing architecture graduate program, the Lerner Honors program will likely incorporate cutting-edge coursework in materials sciences and metallurgy. Lerner grad students may elect to take hands-on classes in glass, aluminum, and aluminum.

Hopeful applicant John Hooper told The Eye, “I’d really like to concentrate on ramp studies at Lerner. Hopefully I’ll also get into ALHA W3001,” referring to an elective devoted to looking in-depth at the grayscale. Other classes include Corrugated Steel: from Garish to Gauche, Making Bays Bilious, and Kitsch in the Social.  

The applicant continued, “The Lerner Honors program will likely bring together a bright cohort of theorists and practitioners from all over the world. I’m really interested in postmodern architecture, urbanism, and circulation. Oh, by the way, can you swipe me in? The turnstile’s a bit finicky.”

The program hopes to draw applicants of all shapes and sizes, from Snakes and Ladders enthusiasts to design theorists wondering about the minimum number of rooms that a floor can actually have. Every Lerner student should be able to carve out a small, strange space for herself.

A successful applicant, according to the admissions deans, would “likely have years of at least The Sims-level architectural experience.” Good grades, a strong quantitative background, and a misplaced appreciation for spiral staircases would doubtlessly improve one’s application. “We’re a unique place with a unique slant, and we’d love some fresh talent. At Lerner, we ask the important, thought-provoking questions of tomorrow’s architectural achievements—questions like ‘Where exactly is the bathroom on this floor?’ ‘Four?’ ‘How do I get there?’ ‘Around what?’ and ‘What would Kafka think?’ That’s a Lerner education in action.”

The program is expected to attract as many applicants as did the Hamilton Center for Calisthenics and Carman Divinity School put together last year.

satire Lerner Hall architecture
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