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Allison Henry

Let’s face it—most of us suck at Twitter. It takes a long time to develop a personal #style, and between studying for midterms, trolling the comment section of your favorite student publication, and commuting to NoCo, there’s hardly enough hours in the day to crank out a decently snarky #ourblue tweet. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of foolproof tips to improve your Twitter game and generally make you feel cool. Fake it till you make it.

  • Compose tweets in the second person to absolve related parties. Choose quality over quantity when it comes to emojis (e.g. if you’re doing multiple heart-eyed cat emojis per tweet, consider this your formal invitation to GTFO).

  • Tweet a lot about smoking cigarettes because everyone knows smoking cigarettes makes you cool.

  • The only acceptable Columbia location tags on Twitter are Butler 209, the Harlem IHOP, and Mel’s (ironically).

  • Before you tweet, ask yourself if this tweet is something a 10-year-old would think. If the answer is yes, congrats! You’re officially normcore.

  • Subtweet constantly, but so vaguely that no one can call you out on it.

  • Take the FDR a lot. It's great Twitter material. This is also a life tip.

  • Decontextualized rap lyrics can be poetry.

  • Punctuation is a waste of a character.

  • Tweet black-and-white photos of your ancestors.

  • Constantly changing your Twitter handle is a great way to keep your #content #relevant.

  • Spend an unreasonable amount of time wondering who operates the @1020tip, @heightsny, @hamiltondeli, and @taqueriayfonda handles.

  • Tweet your dreams as soon as you wake up so you don't forget them.

  • Multilingual hashtags will make you seem smart but approachable.

  • Just tweet Blink-182 lyrics.

  • Tweet selfies—you only live once, and besides, if you’ve been following these tips you’ll never be elected president anyway.

  • Don't @ me.

 

humor twitter columbia
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