As students of "Columbia University in the City of New York," we take seriously her full title and believe that we have a mandate to experience—as intrepid explorers—all the intricacies of the greatest city in the world. There's more to life than Butler sex---there's NYC public park sex! If you need more proof, just watch this weird Danish video—clearly, traveling = sex. Get real after the jump.
The following are the top five places around us that we know of, based on experience and research. Basically, Spectator is asking you on a date. Ball's in your court now!
1) Morningside Park — The Best Icebreaker
As I'm sure you know, Morningside Park has these awesome sloping paths, meadows, and even a dog park. This is, hands down, the best park to start with. On our ideal date, we'd walk around these meadows, strolling around and laughing. Walking around, we'll eventually find a dirt path—around the 114th area (see below). Following the path, we'll get to a small clearing with a large stone. No lie—there will be tons of condoms on the ground. But to be honest, the condoms are a HUGE icebreaker. Basically, we'll see the scene, laugh awkwardly, then one of us says "well, if they did it, it must be good," and that's it. Plus, we'll get views of like all of East Harlem!
2) Central Park — The One with All the Options
OK, so you know how in Morningside Park, we found this ideal, secluded spot to chill? Well, the best spots in Central Park are actually some of the most exposed. We're talking about those huge rocks up by the Northwest corner. Its almost ironic. You'd think it's the worst spot. But then you actually get there, and you notice that there are places where absolutely no one can see you from. You pickin' up what we're layin' down?
3) Grant's Tomb — The American Hero
We love American monuments. But we also realize that the only part any tourist ever cares about is the front of them. On our ideal date, we'd take you around the back. NO, not "we'll take you from the back"---just "we'll walk around to the back of the monument." As I'm sure you'll see when we get there, there are benches, bushes, and seclusion. Seclusion because, again, no visitor will venture around back. NO, not in that sense.
4) Riverside Park — The Bougie Alternative
We're still scoping for good spots that are actually by the river in Riverside Park—because that's the whole point of the park, right—but in the meantime, there are plenty of other parts you can hit up if you just want to check Riverside off your list. If you wanted to go here, we'd take you up by the tennis courts. There's a dog trail a bit higher, and if you follow that, it leads you into the woods. There are plenty of little trails you can take all over the place, and they all have one thing in common: No one else will ever come there.
5) Zuccotti Park — Personalize your protest movement
This one gets a passing mention because of how easy it was during the Occupy protests, but we're pretty sure that in the past year or so, things have changed a lot. Sorry, gotta wait until the next major, botched Wall Street bailout.
6) Columbia campus, outdoors — Bringing it home
If you're really intent on staying in your bubble, the least that we ask is that you meet us outside of Butler. Columbia---in the dark---has her own hidden corners. Like the dark corner of the lawn outside of Havemeyer. Or the bushes around St. Paul's Chapel. Or even that awkward corridor behind Mudd. Well, especially that awkward corridor behind Mudd. Why does that little strip even exist? Does anyone use it for any other purpose?? Imagine how much extra space there would be in Mudd Library if Mudd was built to the edge of the 120th Street embankment, just like Schapiro! Lots. Anyway, point is, Columbia is teeming with secluded outdoor areas that no one gives a second glance to.
Well, we've gone on long enough. Text us. We'll leave you with this one quote from Frederick Law Olmsted, designer of Central Park:
"It is one great purpose of the Park to supply to tired workers a specimen of Natural Wonder."