Campus

Columbia Dorms Converse

In her weekly series, Rebecca Farley lends a platform to Columbia’s (literally) unheard voices. Today, she asks the Columbia dorms how they feel about the housing lottery. She sat down with McBain, Nussbaum, Schapiro, Ruggles, Claremont, Broadway, Hogan, and EC.

 Rebecca: So glad you guys could come. So let me ask, this time of year is pretty stressful for students; how does it make you guys feel, being at the center of all this frenzied excitement?

Ruggles: I dunno, it’s like---

Nussbaum: (interrupting) ---Like a newborn calf is on the way!

McBain: Shut up, Nussbaum! You’re such an idiot.

EC: Give it a rest, Mcbain. Nussbaum is just excited.

McBain: You’re  just all relaxed because everyone looooooves you. Oh, East Campus is soooooo great like gasp! Have you seen the vieeeeeews?

EC: Now you’re just being sophomoric.

 Rebecca: Hey! Let’s calm down a bit. But it’s true. EC, students love you. People hive-five and celebrate when they find out they can live under your roof. As a Columbia institution, how does this make you feel?

EC: Um, now it’s your turn to calm down, Rebecca. So people want to live in me. Cool. It happens every year and it’s been that way for a while. Something pretty hard to get excited about.

Ruggles: Well, I would s---

Claremont:(interrupting) EC, you’ve always been wanted---do you know how it feels to be the leftover dorm? People pick into me and you know what they do? They sigh. Because of me. I am an annoyance.

EC: Jesus, who put a rat in your shaft? I’m just saying. It was a stupid question anyway, Claremont.

Rebecca: [clears throat]

EC: What, now you’re offended, too?

Ruggles: No, I think she’s--

Nussbaum:(interrupting) Just excited to be here!

McBain: Shut up, Nussbaum!

Nussbaum: I love the housing lottery! Did you know they give out Airheads in John Jay lounge? I like Airheads because you can squish them down to one side and have a tiny ball in your mouth and I like to think that it’s Pluto.

Rebecca: ...okay. That’s a start. Anybuilding else have an opinion on the candy in John Jay Lounge?

Broadway: I don’t like Airheads.

Rebecca: Broadway! Airheads are a bit controversial, it seems. You’re a mixed dorm and your lounges are awesome. How goes the housing lottery for you?

Broadway: It would be fine if my big sister wasn’t so annoyingly perfect.

Hogan: Oh shut up, Broadway, it’s not my fault that you’re not suite style.

Broadway: MOM ALWAYS LOVED YOU MORE--

Rebecca: HOKAY! Okay then.

Rebecca: Has anyone seen Schapiro?

McBain: No.

EC: No.

Claremont: No.

Broadway: No.

 Rebecca: Hm. Well I guess that about wraps it up, huh?

Claremont: I’d just like to say--

Ruggles: (interrupting) It sounds like Reb--

Claremont: RUGGLES, DON’T INTERRUPT. Jesus. That’s so rude. Like so rude.

Ruggles: I just--

Claremont: So rude.

Rebecca:...I suppose that’s it. A good housing lottery to you all.

Rebecca Farley is a sophomore who thinks it’s weird that Broadway doesn’t like Airheads because like who the flip doesn’t like Airheads.

Comments

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