It’s gotten to that point in the year. During NSOP, you can ask people what their names are. Same goes for the entire month of September.
But there gets to be a point, kids, when that person you keep greeting in Hewitt or on Low Steps becomes "Y'know, Him/Her." You’ve built a semi-stable relationship with Y'know, Him/Her on discussing "Parks and Rec" or complaining about the weather, but whenever you want to call his or her name, you blurt out an awkward, “You! Person!” (Yes. You do this.) You’re a pretty terrible human being. Unfortunately, flat-out asking Y'know, Him/Her isn’t socially acceptable this late in the game.
The following are handy tips to find out what Y'know, Him/Her actually responds to without being banished from society:
- Try a smattering of names until he turns around. Experimental error: He may in fact turn around because you are a wacko shouting a smattering of names in public.
- Introduce her to someone else. This way, she introduces herself. Pay close attention to her name, then consider doing a victory dance, based on context.
- Ask him how to spell his last name so you can friend him on Facebook. Then ask how to spell his first name. Note: This gets tricky with names like Matt or Bob. In those cases, explain that you know someone who spells it with a silent "Z" and that you were just checking.
- Every time you see her, introduce yourself as a “quirk.” Hope she reciprocates and it develops into a private joke. If she thinks you’re really weird, she'll ignore you. Problem solved regardless.
- Talk about how terrible your ID picture is. Because she goes to Columbia, she will most likely think this is a challenge and show you hers smugly. “Look how terrible I look! Beat that!” Little does she know, you are in fact looking at her name. Well done.
- See if he has his names written on any of his folders, bags, or papers. Maybe don’t do this during an exam.
- Ask someone else who might know. Ideally, this person's name you DO know.
- Call him/her Y'know, Him/Her as an endearing nickname. Variations acceptable. Being That Type of Person necessary.
- Avoid eye contact.