You would expect that Dartmouth, being a small college in the woods near Canada and all, would have a good football team. You would think that at some point between doing a keg stand and partaking in ritualistic Hellenic hazing, a couple of frat boys could find some shoulder pads and toss the pigskin around in the unenclosed pasture behind the Ben and Jerry's factory. This Saturday we will see for ourselves as the brothers of Delta Tau Chi get on a bus and come to the big city. If they are lucky, their not-exactly-official-but-very-fitting mascot "Keggy the Keg" will come along to hold their hands as they stare at the tall buildings and scary people. Once they arrive at Baker, Dartmouth's finest would do well to explain why they call themselves the "Big Green." Is it meant to represent a giant tree or something? That would be awkward because we chopped all of ours down. The closest thing we have to a "Big Green" is "Gang Green." If the two are at all alike, then the Dartmouth quarterback should be to the Ivy League what Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow is to the NFL. No, not Jesus, just really bad. When Columbia played Penn last week, we went to Wikipedia to find out the origin behind the "Quakers" nickname. But since the latest telecommunications technology to hit Hanover was the telegram, Dartmouth doesn't really exist on the Internet. Judging by the Dartmouth grads who have made it out to the real world though, the Lions don't have much to be worried about. Tim Geithner is kind of famous, but where did his boss go to college? It's kind of cool that a "Mad Men" character went to Dartmouth, but it's Pete Campbell, and he's a tool. You might make fun of Columbia for not having produced any famous sportsmen since Lou Gehrig, but who was the last athlete to come out of Dartmouth? Wasn't there that skier who represented Antigua at the Winter Olympics? Oh wait he went to Cornell. We could probably sit around all day and discuss this, but is it really worth trying to figure out why Dartmouth won't grow up and call itself a university? Our pathetic attempts at Light Blue fandom aside, Columbia plays Dartmouth at Homecoming on Saturday. Kickoff is at 1:30 p.m. GO LIONS!