How a Penguin Broke My Heart

For the first time in my life, I simply did not see any movies this summer. Okay, that's a lie: between May 1 and Sep. 1, I did see three whole movies: March of the Penguins, Wedding Crashers, and Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith (although the last one was viewed a full three months after it came out, so it barely even counts.) Still, usually I'm holed up in Salt Lake City, UT over the summer with little else to do, so I go see most every movie that comes out, from the indies to the blockbusters, good flicks and bad.

I technically took the summer off because I was poor, but as the months progressed, I began to realize that very little was missing. It wasn't like I was filling the gaps in by becoming a better person at all. No, I can safely say I locked my brain away for the whole time. And it wasn't just that all the movies were bad. Come on, every summer has its version of Deuce Bigalow vs. the European Gigolos, or whatever that was called. I mean, the summer that had the original Bigalow film shouldn't be feeling too proud of itself either.

It was more that I was getting scared of the theater. Every time I set foot in a movie theater, I was confronted with something totally different than what I expected, making my precious money seem exceedingly ill-spent. This was the summer of manipulative marketing.

It started with Wedding Crashers. I went in expecting a light and easy comedy. It delivered on the comedy side well enough, but that's largely because I'm really easily amused. So, basically, every time Vince Vaughn or Owen Wilson even came on the screen, I cracked up. What it did not deliver on, however, was the light 'n' easy side, and not because it went for quirky dark humor. No, this thing was actually boring.

I didn't think it was possibly for a comedy with those two to not be silly and entertaining fun. But I was actually squirming by the end. I like long movies, and I am most definitely not the person to get antsy about a film ending. But, despite the longer minute count, I never expected this to be so tedious.

The same was supposedly true about Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Apparently, the fine folks of Hollywood must have forgotten one of the golden rules of summer movies: action and comedy flicks are never supposed to be boring. Stupid? Yes. Immature? Yes. But boring? How stupid are these people?

The worst by far of all the summer films though, was March of the Penguins. Let's just put this out there right now: I love penguins. Remember when you were little and got to write all those animal reports for elementary school animal classes? Well, I wrote every single one I could on penguins. I knew all the species, I had posters, black and white were even my favorite colors. So, when this movie came out, I was, understandably, a little excited to see their thousand year old mating ritual, narrated by Morgan Freeman, icing on the cake.

That's why actually seeing it was so traumatizing. If you haven't seen it yet and are planning to do so, read this next bit carefully: this is not a happy movie about penguin families. The previews may make it seem that way, but don't be tricked.

This is a movie about how many ways penguins, and especially those cute little fluffy baby penguins, can DIE. Let's see: they can freeze to death, they can fall behind the pack, they can be eaten by terrifying birds (while the other baby penguins and their parents just watch), they can starve to death, or their parents can abandon them. If they're lucky enough to survive, then they get to deal with the seals who want to eat them in the water. I once thought seals were cute too. I guess there goes that theory.

Yeah, yeah, it's the story of life. The food chain. Genetic selection in action. I got it. But, for a movie that's portrayed as the most uplifting thing in the world, it's pretty jarring to then watch a cute chick freeze to death in a storm or watch their forlorn parents lament the death of their offspring. Who knew penguins could emote.

In the summer, I like my culture to either play by the rules or stray from them and do something really interesting. Also (call me cheap), but when I shell out money for a movie, especially a large Hollywood movie, I like to get exactly what I'm paying for. I don't like totally unnecessary surprises.

As the price of movies continues to rise, it makes me a lot more inclined to spend the cash on something else, especially in New York, where there are always other options. If it's supposed to be a smart comedy, then it had damn well better be a smart comedy, or I'm giving my money to buy some drinks. At least I usually know exactly what I'm getting for the price.