An Election of Floridian Proportions

Regular readers of this space (both of you) will recall that we have not always been kind to Dean of Student Affairs Chris Colombo. Whether it's been us making fun of his disastrous decision to cancel the Intrepid party or us making fun of his disastrous decision to start wearing unflattering turtlenecks (ok, we hadn't made fun of him for that before; now we have), we've been tough on the guy. But even we have to give Colombo credit for going above and beyond the call of duty during Tuesday night's ballot-counting fiasco.

While those administrators who weren't deep in unlisted number sleep were frantically trying to make excuses for why they couldn't possibly come rescue the Lerner exiles ("My dog's sick! No, wait, my wife's sick! No, that won't do either. Uh, I have to take my daughter to school. Yeah, that's the ticket!"), Colombo climbed out of bed at 2 a.m. to come save the day. Or rather, to save the very, very early morning.

Of course, as everyone knows by now, even the mighty Dean Colombo could not overcome the great trials that awaited those brave, brave ballot counters. Though he succeeded in winning the students re-admission to Lerner, the door to the office where the ballots were being counted was locked, and no one had the key. So Colombo slogged back to bed while the students stormed off to write angry e-mails to every administrator they could think of (who, of course, dropped everything to address the obviously pressing issue that several students were forced to wait an extra day to find out whether they would need to look for other ways to pad their resumes).

Nonetheless, Colombo still deserves an A for effort (a grading policy that reflects either a Harvardian trend toward grade inflation or a Brownian inability to spell). It is Vice President for Student Services Lisa Hogarty, however, who got in the day's best line. Speaking to Spectator on Wednesday, Hogarty commented that when she woke up and checked her e-mail the next morning, her first reaction was "oh my God, this is like Florida!" Et Cetera thinks Hogarty is on to something here. Lerner Hall can't handle cold weather, closes early, and creates electoral confusion--Bernard Tschumi thought he was designing a building for Florida!

Challenging Conventions
In other election news: conventional wisdom says that it should be tough to lose an uncontested election, but as you've probably figured out by now, this year's CCSC election was anything but conventional.

Assorted Flavors was the only party that ran for junior class council. But although 319 rising seniors cast votes in the election for class president and vice president, Khalid Ali and Christina Baranetsky--the unopposed Assorted Flavors candidates--managed to garner just 229 votes. Apparently, unexcited by the fatalistic sense of powerlessness and heteronomy entailed by an election always-already decided, the remaining 90 students chose Other.

The junior class council election was not the only uncontested race; Party On ran uncontested, also, for the class of 2006 (successfully). What made the 2004 race unique was the work of Medha Goyal and PeterPaul Shaker, who mounted an aggressive write-in assault. The 90 votes they earned--a respectable showing, by all accounts--were not enough to pose a serious threat to the incumbent party. Nonetheless, their campaign came extraordinarily close to successfully keeping Ali and Baranetsky from winning.

Though primarily issues-based, the campaigning between the two pairs of candidates apparently featured some ad hominem moments. This did not escape the watchful eye of the Committee on Elections, Nominations and Appointments. According to Et Cetera's sources, the negative campaigning actually led CENA to disqualify the candidates.

We at Et Cetera would certainly have been amused to see election day arrive with no eligible candidates on the ballot for the class of 2004, but as luck would have it, the disqualification decision was promptly reversed in a dramatic about-face. Nonetheless, the fact remains that in this year's contentious CCSC elections, an unopposed party very nearly lost the election before the day of judgment even arrived.

Screwing Around

The main event on campus last weekend, besides sitting on Low steps, was the annual Varsity Show. As anyone who saw this year's show knows--and judging by the lines that snaked halfway up Lerner Hall, pretty much everyone did--Spec played a starring role. We were, of course, honored to be named the "best newspaper in old New York, at least the best that's free," and would like to send out a good big 'nanny nanny boo boo' to the Village Voice, which can now only vie for the title of "best newspaper in old New York that doesn't run a front page story every time Lee Bollinger sneezes."

But we do have to register one objection: no one on Spec would ever sleep with another staffer. Never. Wouldn't happen. Lies! Lies, we tell you! (true story: The Harvard Crimson, determined to prove that they can take the fun out of absolutely everything, actually bans inter-staff relationships. Spec considered doing the same, until we realized we were horny and didn't know anyone not on staff.)

In any case, Speccies weren't the only ones sleeping around in the Varsity Show. They were joined by everyone's favorite housing guru, Jay Orenduff, who at one point in the performance noted that "if you're a junior guy living in Wien, I've pretty much screwed you too." Indeed.

We're sure Jay isn't actually sleeping with students, but with general selection times just posted this week, he's gearing up for plenty of the other kind of screwing. Oh, sure, Abigail Hinsman and her selection number of 20 will be fine, but first-year Tanya Everett-Heggie--number 3008 and the last person to pick this year--won't be loving life in her blind shaft double in McBain.
All of which leads us to wonder: who exactly do you have to screw to get a good room around here? Prostitution, after all, is at least more egalitarian than bribery. And when "luck of the draw" means Wien, we'd rather find a way to circumvent luck.

Alma Inebriated?

In the past few weeks, Spec has received its share of criticism for everything to being too pro-war to being too anti-De Genova (note to letter writers: we still don't have the power to fire him). There's even been a weblog set up devoted entirely to catching Spec's apparent biases, and this column has not been exempt from the criticism. But it was Wil McKoy, a director in the Student Services office, who really caught Spec asleep at the wheel this week.
On Tuesday, as temperatures climbed near 80 degrees and class attendance dropped near zero (ass clown, n., someone who attended class on Tuesday), at least some of the students who poured out on the steps appear to have been literally pouring something else as well.

"I'm pretty sure I just saw someone sitting on the lap of Alma Mater funnel a beer," McKoy commented to one Spec reporter. "Where was the Spec for that?"

Waiting by the Phone

Many in the journalism community were surprised when New Yorker Washington correspondent Nick Lemann accepted University President Lee Bollinger's offer to become dean of the Journalism School. Lemann, after all, had more or less the best job in journalism, one few reporters could imagine walking away from. But it didn't take long for journalists to get over their surprise and realize that if Lemann is coming to the J-School, someone else will have to take over his duties at The New Yorker.

"I presume that since he's taking my job, I'll be taking his," quipped acting dean David Klatell to a Spec reporter. "It must be either me or you. Get off the phone; [New Yorker editor] David Remnick is probably trying to call you right now."

Alas, our phone has remained silent, and it looks like Et Cetera will be passed over once again. But just in case you just haven't gotten around to calling yet, Mr. Remnick, we're listed in the directory.

Et Cetera was compiled by Ben Casselman, Rachael Scarborough King, and Isaac Vita Kohn.