Letters on Famous Topics

Columbia's prestigious Horwitz Prize in biology has just been awarded to one Dr. Horvitz of MIT. University Professor Edward Said, in a graceful essay, "The Great Mafouz," in the New York Review of Books, delivered elegant criticism on the work of Nobel-winning Egyptian writer Naguib Mafouz. In an aside, Professor Said also delivered a stinging indictment to J. M. Coetzee's 1994 New York Review of Books foray, "The Fabulous Mafouz." Confused by Horwitz, Horvitz, mutually exclusive Mafouz Great and Fabulous, and meditating on an erotic journey from Minsk to Pinsk, your narrator is befuddled. Besieged by consumerist toddler cousins, Jewish grandmothers, three metric tons of turkey, and a cranberry relish that bore a faint resemblance to steak tartare, it is the most he can do this week to offer up three specimens from his eccentric correspondence.

January 28, 2000

Casarotto Ramsay Ltd.

National House,

60-66 Wardour Street,

London, W1V 4ND,

ENGLAND

Dear Sir or Madam:

I read with pleasure the fragment of Tennessee Williams' "The Lingering Hour" published in Theater volume 29, number 3. I discussed it with some undergraduate amateur players, and we are enthusiastic about a possible reading in my suite of apartments here in New York. It would be an intimate and nobly money-losing affair, although should there be, by some miracle, any profits, I will gladly redirect half to your organization. We were very much hoping to stage it on March 26, celebrating the 89th anniversary of Mr. Williams' birth. Please let me know at your earliest convenience if this reading is permissible, and if not, what accommodations I might make to your needs. Mindful of my place in the history of drama, I am also intrigued to know if this will be the premiere presentation of this text.

With best regards,

Ben Letzler

Columbia University

November 8, 2000

Alan Kobrin

Nader 2000 Florida State Coordinator

VIA E-MAIL

Dear Mr. Kobrin,

I am writing to you because I believe, as a Nader 2000 supporter, that it is imperative that Mr. Nader do his utmost now to prevent a Bush presidency. I am as disgusted as anyone with Al Gore's corporate toadying, support for the death penalty, failure to defend labor, and moral relativist trade policies. Yet Gore at least will not represent governance by an illiterate, twins-banging Yalie manchild. Gore is a gray, mediocre, compromised politician who will do little good for America, but the administration of a degenerate halfwit like George W. Bush portends evil of Rosie O'Donnellian proportion.

I look forward to taking an enthusiastic role in the 2004 Nader campaign. In the present dire situation, however, I must make a peculiar plea to you. Namely, Mr. Nader must present himself in Florida court and legally change his name to Albert Arnold Gore II, deeding over his Florida votes. This may seem undignified, even absurd. Yet are we to tell that to women whose lives are threatened when they are refused abortions under the rulings of a Bush Supreme Court? Are we to tell that to working people who find their unions eviscerated and their children's public schools defunded by vouchers? Should we talk about dignity while oil companies buy up Alaska and our nation turns to wasteland? George W. Bush promises to undermine the Federal Election Commission, sending the message that illegal fundraising works so long as one gets elected and fiddles with the FEC commissioners before the case goes to trial. Bush even opposes the FCC's public service broadcast requirements; he is surely no fan of educational, non-animated, non-nude television. It is purposeful subversion of the democratic process, and I believe a Bush administration will dim the possibility of any future progressive presidency. I ask you sincerely to intercede with Mr. Nader and ask him to consult with legal counsel to change his name in the state of Florida to Albert Arnold Gore II. It would be a selfless service to America.

With every good wish,

Ben Letzler

Columbia University

November 11, 2000

Ting Ting Jahe Ginger Candy

c/o PT Sindu Amritha

JL Sumatera No. 24-28 Pasuruan 67114

INDONESIA

Dear Sir or Madam:

As students at Harvard and Columbia Universities, we are ardent followers of your Ting Ting Jahe ginger candy. It is a constant companion and friend through exams and in difficult times. We're researching feature columns for the Columbia Daily Spectator and the Harvard Crimson celebrating the pleasures of the candy.

When was Ting Ting Jahe first produced? In what states or regions of the United States is it distributed? Where abroad? Where is it most popular? Have any national chains of stores picked it up? Does everyone eat Ting Ting Jahe in Indonesia? Have you ever considered wrapping Ting Ting Jahe in rice paper? (It would make a smashing combination.) Would it be possible to send photos or advertising literature of Ting Ting Jahe and its production? We are much obliged for your assistance in these matters.

Warmest regards,

Pauline Tsai

Harvard University

Ben Letzler

Columbia University

Only Tennessee Williams' agents have gotten back to me. They said no.